Fall 2007/Winter 2008 Fashion

As a man who sends his pubes off for scientific research, I know a thing or two about fashion. Today, I will be going over what’s hot this winter.

Cute Chic Coats.

There are 2 key coat trends.

1. Lean tailored fitted coats with military styling.

2. Coats with Cocoon volume or Trapeze A-lines sixties styling.

My Advise: Go for the chink look like that bitch on the right. The one of the left is rightfully so covering up her tiny bee-stings. Ethnic discrimination is always in!

Biker Babe

Leather looks include biker jackets which are multi zipper trimmed garments.  For the fashion forward Autumn Winter 2007/8 biker versions are without stud decorations.

This piece to the left comes complete with mobile home lot, and plenty of floss to get the pubes out of your teeth after you finish Pat up.

Slim Secretary Dresses

Look for a ladylike silhouette and think cinched waists emphasised by slim belts.  Tailored dresses can be teamed with colourful contrast tights and ankle boots.  Ankle boots is one of the key trends for Autumn Winter 2007/8.

My Advise: Make sure you get the phonograph on the side of your head. What this says is, “Listen, I’m on my period, and if you try to not listen to me bitch, I will turn it on and force you to.”

 Man About Town

We’ve seen this look time and time again, but here it is again for the Autumn Winter 2007/8 season.  Androgynous dressing interprets as high-waisted man tailored pants or tuxedo style masculine trouser suits.  This look has been revived many times, but that is simply because it works.  Androgynous dressing can make a woman in a masculine cut garment look even more feminine as it packs a punch with the surprise.

The new high waist trousers give a newer look with their wider legs.  Team them with a slouchy bag or try wearing them with a tuxedo, new military influenced blazer or soft pleated blouse.  Or soften the look with a chunky knit and wear the cropped version of the loose trousers held up with a man style belt.

My Advise: Screw the high trousers, lose the vag, and sew on a dick. Androgynous dressing “can” make a women look more feminine, but surprise surprise, many times, it makes you look more like a man. I advise taking your top off, and playing basketball until you get that ass sweat that you see through your high-waisted gym shorts.

Well that’s it. Just remember, if you have great chest hams, keep them under wrap. Dress like men, 1940’s secretaries, military people, and if you have any old audio equipment, strap it to your head.

….60 MPH in a 70 zone

OK assholes onUS23 doing 60 in BOTH lanes!

Anyways…the Saturday night shit fest will be explained this evening, along with the bleeding

Foo Fighters – Echos, Silence, Patience, & Grace

OK, I’ve given this thing like a fifth listen, so I think I’m ready to slam it. This was a very OK album. Nothing was exceptionally bad, nothing exceptionally good. The feel I got from this album was building up to a forced climax in every song. I think half of the songs start slow (or slower) and with a minute to go get into it. This is definitely not what I was expecting when I heard this album was going to be “so hard,” and, “much harder than anything we’ve ever done.”

There were a few bright spots, and surprisingly for an album that was supposed to be a little edgier, I personally enjoyed the slow, or acoustic songs the most. Track 9 – Ballad Of The Beaconsfield Mine is a bluegrassy type feeling instrumental that was probably my fav track on the album. Even though much of it was repetitive, I love the feeling it embodies, and I love the duel acoustics.

The other track to note was track 6 – Stranger Things Have Happened. This is a very bluesy sounding song with a great acoustic leads. The only drums are a slight tick in the background, seemingly just to keep time. It really keeps the focus on the somber music and Dave’s voice.

The rest of the album for me is largely forgettable. Many of the songs do have a slight edge to them that you may not hear in other FF albums. Personally, I’m not a big fan of these guys, so for me, this album is really nothing special. If you are a fan, I’m sure you already have the album, otherwise, listen before you buy.

overall: 7.0 / 10

Friday Night Lacerations

OK, so Friday night, most of us head to Port Clinton to prepare for the blood-fest that will be Craig Butler’s wedding. Now, Joe is quite the alchie, so we decide to head to the bar. I seen this hole, so it was perfect. We drive to the bar, and see this:

Apparently this place is such a hole, that people often confuse it for a run-down abandoned gas station. Anyways, we go into live music and $2.50, 20oz. drafts, can’t go wrong, right? So, the night’s rolling around, the bartenders are nice (now) and for every drink we buy, they buy us one. It was the starts of a great night.

Then one of the bartenders starts playing music on his iPOD (after the bands done of course), and he’s playing quite the eclectic selection. Eventually, he starts playing some hard rock, and settles on Korn for a few songs. Then, out of nowhere, this assbag at the end of the bar starts playing tambourine. He is playing the tambourine in beat to every single Korn song that comes on.

Now, I’m not a big fan of Korn, and I think that there’s a lot they could have done to make their music better, BUT TAMBOURINE IS NOT ONE OF THEM!! So, Joe starts getting drunker, and more annoyed. He eventually starts yelling at the guy.

Disclaimer: This guy was NOT going to stop playing. He did not keep going just cause Joe was yelling. He played for probably a good 1/2 hour before Joe started in on him.

So, the fucking dude is staring Joe down as he’s slamming the tambourine on the bar. That’s when I hear one of the best quotes ever.

Joe: Do you have a gun? Seriously, because if you have a gun I’ll stop bitching, otherwise shut the fuck up.

So, Joe goes over to the otherside of the bar. It was a T kinda-shaped bar, and Joe walks to the other side of the T. The guy shuts up, coincidentally.  After that, we get into a fight with the ‘head’ bartender. Apparently you’re allowed to say you own something if you manage it.

We left at some odd 2:30, when the manager was yelling at the actual owner. We got back to the hotel, made a couple of drinks and drove to Taco Bell. Luckily we didn’t spill any, but the night was a success. We were invited the next day at noon to do shots of Jack, but Joe pussied out.

I’ll let the realoe start the Saturday night bloodbath.

Thursday Night Bleeding

The bleeding…oh the bleeding started on Thursday. OK, to preface, our (cockflavored and therealoe) very good friend Buddy just got married. One drunken night, oe says, “It’s going to be so crazy, people are going to bleed.” Since then, it’s been the wedding motto to bleed. Anyways, during the original bachelor party, another friend Kyle decides that the Thursday before must be one last night of drunken debauchery. Kyle bails, so it’s me, him, and Katy.So, I start us off right, with two Steel Reserves. We follow that with probably another 8 Bud Lights. So, when we leave for the bar, we’re in good shape. We decide to take Buddy to Mutz, downtown. We haven’t been there in ages, and last we heard, it was Karaoke and mostly $5 pitchers on Thursday. We head downtown, and LAME. Turns out, they’ve cut both of those things, and surprise surprise, there’s 4 people in the bar.

So, we leave and head to Gatorz, and this is where shit starts really getting fun. I guess it’s club night on Thursday, so there’s quite a line. We pull up and I tell the door guy that my friend is getting married, blah blah blah. We get in VIP. Yea, I’m baller. So, we go in and immediately do a Liquid Cocaine. Now at this point, Buddy is quite drunk. Some chicas were playing pool, and we ask to play them next. Meanwhile, another table opens up so I start racking balls over there. That’s when Buddy starts standing right next to these girls as they play. I mean, he might as well have been spotting them as they play. CREEPY as shit.

So we decide to go shake our ass on the flo. For some reason, Buddy is just standing in the middle of the dance floor staring at people. Eventually he’s having problems standing, so he’s just bumping into people left and right. Another surprise, he get’s cut off. So we leave and go to another bar where he’s not cut off.

Oh Chucks, how I love you. Chucks have a shot called More Than a Mouthfull. It’s the best shot in the world. It’s all booze, it’s at least a double, and tastes fucking amazing. So, we walk in and get 3. Then, another round. By this point, I am having problems of my own. From this point on, anything I write was told to me. So, at one point after a shot, I spit on Katy for some reason. Then some guys wanted to beat my ass because apparently I wasn’t that sorry.. Fucking frat guys. There a huge pool incident that I won’t even get into, but apparently we almost got into a fight then too.

So, we call a cab (don’t drink and drive kids, unless it’s to another bar, but always take a cab from the last one). By this point, Buddy has puked TWICE at the bar. So, before the cab comes, he decides to get 2 more rounds of our favorite shot. Great idea Buddy. So, the cab picks us up, and we need to go to the ATM because I don’t have any cash to pay him. He parks in front of the ATM, and I have 10 minutes of problems trying to work the fucking machine. I was trying with the wrong card, then that fucking touch screen is tricky when you see multiple of them.

Meanwhile, Buddy says he’s going to puke again. The cab driver then starts going crazy, “DO NOT PUKE IN MY CAB!!” He reaches back and opens the door (I guess we got taken home in a van). Buddy stumbles out, drops the ground, and pukes for like 10 minutes. I didn’t see or hear any of it, because I was fighting with that damn ATM. But, by the way, that’s where your knee bruise came from.

So, we get home, and PROMPTLY pass out. Buddy wakes up, with piles of puke on either side of his head. Somehow between puking all morning, Buddy finds our Resolve carpet cleaner and cleans up the vomit. What a friend.

I’m sure I missed a LOT. It was quite a night. Mission: Accomplished. There is more to come. The next night, Joe almost got us shot in Port Clinton, and then Saturday…fuck, well Saturday was the wedding…and people really did bleed.

Michigan Drivers

You know what really grids my gears…

…when i was a little OE, i used to hear my mother complain aboutmichigan drivers in OHIO because they drove to fast.  Now, as i live in Michigan, i dont understand what my mother was talking about.  SLOW.   RIDICULOUSLY SLOW!!!  The assholes on 23 drive 55 MPH in  70 MPH zone and through the construction it is even worse.  The sign says 45 IF WORKERS PRESENT,  but hey there are no workers on this particular day and whoa, 45 MPH.  Then i finally pass this trick, and she is on her cell phone probably talking about how bad her life sucks because of the Kia rio she drives.  As for the city i see the same thing.  30 MPH in a 35 zone and 25 in a 30 zone.    DO THE DAMN SPEED LIMIT….

next up:  the signs of blood…

Hooker Problem Averted in Bolivia

Don’t you hate it when you get a hooker, but then she wants in on some of the action too and wants to make out and shit? Personally, there’s nothing worse than tonguing a hooker. Normally feel bad when I say, “Please, no kissing,” or, “Ningún besar por favor.” However, this problem is solved in Bolivia where prostitutes have sewn their mouths shut. They are on hunger strike, but they soon say they will bury themselves alive.That solves another problem! Don’t you hate it when you’re ball-deep in a hooker and she’s just way too warm? You think to yourself, “Man, I wish this bitch was cool, I’m starting to sweat.” I know I do.

The story goes on to say it’s a hunger strike protest against the mayor for closing brothels and bars. The funny thing is that there is another group of people in a hunger strike to keep them closed. So basically, everyone’s gonna die in that country at some point.

If I’m the mayor, I just kinda ride the fence until everyone dies of starvation. Then I start from scratch with hopefully a more intelligent country of people.

Update Your Mother-Fucking Bookmarks

The Cock Flavored website is now located at, oh yes

www.cockflavored.com

oh no he didn’t

…terrorism?

To add to the story, after Mike was able to get Buddy under control, the arguing continued in a downstairs lab. Who is the better student you ask? Buddy or the Saturday night studying saudi? Maybe it was the cop watching us walk back from the bar? I don’t know. Freedom of speech isn’t a shield for ignorance. Or is it? It was all fun and games until the word terrorist came into play. We all have our own opinions but all i know is that i destroyed the airport bathroom and cleared out 4 stalls.

(I have a video of buddy but cannot post due to file format. if you ask nicely i may send it to you.)

BTW…i don’t like to capitalize the letter i.

The Last Tailgate

So it’s over, the legacy, the dynasty. What was once a weekly event, is now officially over. This last Saturday marked the final hurrah of one Buddy B as he gets married this coming Saturday. As such, this last week was the last in a historical chain of stupidly-drunk tailgate parties; UT vs Ohio was no exception.

I won’t go into the entire night, because who really knows? Here’s number 4 for the few of us:

Buddy is the tall drink-o-water in the middle. That guy who sleeps with ladies shoes is on the left, and the shortest girl I’ve ever seen is on the right.

So the game was fun as usual. Unfortunately the blind love for the Indians made us leave late in the 1st half.  Luckily we cashed a couple of these fellas:

Before we left. Call us pussies for drinking schnapps, but that shit is 100 proof. When it’s cold outside, it’s always been there for us. So, maybe the most eventful thing remembered was this asshat. He had one of the most memorable quotes I might have ever heard.

 Weird Dude: “Wait a minute, who do you like?”

Me: “uh…the Lions.”

Weird Dude:”Fuck the Lions, goooooooooo Indians!!!! Wooo!!”

Me: [speechless]

Anyways, the night ended with Buddy calling a couple of engineering students terrorists..that was sweet. All in all, tailgate parties, you will be missed. May you have brought us immeasurable joy and satisfaction.

We will always remember Halloween when everyone rallied behind Jesus, and told the security guards that they can’t throw the savior out (even though Joe was booted). We will always remember Tony bringing his parents RV, then nailing an asian chick inside while we drink outside. We will always remember pissing off people in BG, because we had a generator powered full PA system, blaring the UT fight song every 5 minutes. Of course, we will always remember the Tailgatapaloozas, may those days live on forever.