The Triple Crown

I’ve decided to let you all in on a little secret; one of the best bars in town. It’s called the Triple Crown, and you won’t find it unless you know where to look. The place has no sign; in fact there is no indication from the outside that it’s even a bar.

I stumbled on this place by accident; a glorious accident that would change the way I look at bars. The bar is seated next to a pizza place. When picking up a za one day, the door flew open as someone walked outside, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of heaven.

The next time around, I went inside for a quick shot when my za wasn’t ready. That’s when it hit me. This place is great.

This is the type of place that you’d almost be ashamed to be seen inside. The bartenders are 60-year old women, who has certainly seen better days. The crowd is a small group of drunks. The lighting: dreary. The bathrooms: rancid. The feeling: Euphoric.

The great feeling can be attributed to two things: great prices, and shuffleboard. This is one of the only places in town that I know of that has shuffleboard, and certainly the only dive. If you’re not familiar with the game, it’s kind of like curling, but without the gay sex. For some strange reason, this game is crazy fun. This is me scoring 3 points, with a deadly shot.

The second reason this place rocks is the prices. They were decent before, but upon a recent visit, I realized that they have lowered their prices.

$1.40 for a 16oz draft!!

I threw those sons of a bitches back so fast people’s heads were spinning.

Will I tell you where this place is? No. I’ve only giving you this information, so that you may hold with you a beacon of light; a feeling of hope, that there is a place like this out there. Maybe one day, you too will find it by accident. If you do, don’t fuck it up for me.

Mother Fucking Pickle Wraps

If you don’t know me, you know that I can cook up some bomb-diggity shit. So, I’ve decided to grace you all with some of my secrets. We’ll start slow with a super easy, super quick appetizer that you might just eat as a meal.

Ingredients:

about a jar of pickles
about a package of ham
about a small container of cream cheese
paper towels

OK, get any dill pickles you want, so help me God if you get sweet. Get the cheap-ass square ham stuff. I prefer the regular cooked, in water. Get whatever cream cheese you want (lite, fat-free, whatever). Now, here’s the setup you want.

Now, there’s some important shit going on here. You must dry the pickles and ham before rolling. Otherwise the water will not let it stick. Now, spread the cream cheese on as shown:

Put the pickle on one edge, and carefully, and TIGHTLY roll it up until:

Now just cut them, and you have white-trash sushi! I prefer to cut them into thirds. If you cut into fourths, you’ll find that since the edge of the pickle tapers in, the roll doesn’t stay together as well. Enjoy.

You Know What Grinds My Gears

People who get on the elevator in front of you, then stand next to the buttons, but don’t hit the door closed button. I mean, what the hell, I’m standing there like a fucking idiot. Who are you waiting for? If you’re going to assume the responsibility of pushing the buttons, then hit the fucking door closed button when all of the available passengers have entered.

edit:

Ok seriously, I’m not done ranting. I’m standing there, looking out of an open elevator as people walk by. They’re thinking, “Does that clown know how to use an elevator?” I do people, it’s not my fault.

Homage to Rocky IV

I finally got the digital camera unpacked from Vegas (like 3 weeks ago), and got pictures and videos downloaded. Here is my homage to Rocky IV on top of Lone Mountain.

Boy I Get the Good Ones

Here are some of the search engine terms that have brought people to my blog:

live sex party wauseon
jerking off clubs
fuck with bleeding
caught jerking off
prostitute bar
puking girls
jerking off
can men use tampons
puke cab
man jerking off over porn
shitting toilet
slater a toilet

These are all real searches…seriously.

Movie Review – The Kingdom (2007)

Starring:
Jamie Foxx
Chris Cooper (Syriana, Bourne Trilogy, The Patroit)

Runtime:
110 min.

Overall: B+ 

This movie starts with an all star cast including Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman (Arrested Development, Smokin’ Aces), Jeremy ‘fucking’ Piven, hell, even Tim McGraw makes and appearance. Occasionally a movie with such a cast disappoints, luckily this is not the case. The Kingdom certainly plays on the times that we live in today, and gives the viewer a different perspective. Of what? Lots of things.

The movie starts with the LONGEST FUCKING CREDITS I’ve ever seen. The credits essentially show America-Middle East relations over the years. 20 minutes later, the movie starts showing an American fenced community. Some men come in, start shooting up the place. The shooting however, was just a decoy for a larger bomb that kills over a hundred.

In comes Ronald Fleury (Foxx).  Always a bad-ass. Remember when he was Willie Beamen in ‘Any Given Sunday.’

My name is Willie (Willie Beamen). I keep the ladies (creamin’).

Anyways, he leads up an FBI investigative team to check out the crime. After some political themed dialogue, the Saudis let the FBI in. So, everyone hates the Americans and they don’t let them do anything. Ronald and the Saudi colonel become good friends.

So, they eventually stumble onto a minor find. They catch some low-rate assbags. Damon Schmidt (Piven) then orders them outta the country. Honestly I don’t think I caught who the fuck he actually was. Anyways, on their way to the airport, a carbomb drives in front of their speeding caravan and blows up 2 of the 3 cars. They abduct Jason Bateman, and the chase is on.

They track them down, big firefight, lot’s of RPGs and gunfire. They rescue Bateman and then happen to stumble into the big dog of the whole operation. Someone described as a ghost.

There’s not a whole lot of plot, and certainly no twists. What you do get from this movie is a slightly better understanding of how hostile things can be. Of course every Saudi doesn’t have 7 “Deth2Amadika” shirts, but you really get an idea of what people have to put up with over there.

The action is good, especially at the end. The character development between Foxx and the Saudi colonel I thought was outstanding. Now the final lines in the movie are very thought-provoking, so I will leave it to you to determine your own opinion. That line is definitely something that can be debated about.

All in all, good flick; skip the credits and it’s only a 90 minute movie. Worth a watch.

Quote of the Day

Office Secretary: No, I like the Patriots

Myself: Wait, I thought you said you didn’t like Tom Brady.

Office Secretary: Well, I really like the Patriots, I just hate Tom Brady.

Myself: What?!? That’s like enjoying a Christian lifestyle, but not really liking that Jesus guy.

Yes, I will quote myself on occasion; when I find the particular saying that profound.

Movie Review – Resident Evil: Extinction

Starring:
Milla Jovovich

Runtime: 95 min.

Overall: B-

This is the third (and final?) installment of the popular Resident Evil trilogy. Obviously the book is loosely based on the popular video game of the same name. Now down to business.

Let’s Review. The first Resident Evil was about the T-virus getting loose inside an underground secret facility. They go in and try and stop the virus from spreading. In the second, they re-open the Hive and the virus gets out into Raccoon City. They contain the virus and set loose that crazy thing to try and kill everything inside.

The title of the third essentially gives it away, they fail to contain the virus. It has spread all over the world, and has basically turned Earth into a barren wasteland…filled with zombies of course.

The second film was kinda weird and wasn’t the best, but the first was a pretty good action flick, so expectations were high for their last chance.

The movie follows Alice (Milla) as she roams the country. She says basically you can’t stay in one place, or they kill you. So, as she’s roaming, she finds a notebook that says, “Go to Alaska.” As luck would have it, she then runs into her old friends who saved her from the last movie. We find out later that she left them after the last movie, because she knows that Umbrella was watching, and didn’t want to put them in harms way.

As she finds them, we see that Alice has developed some nuts crazy, X-Men-like telekinetic powers. Apparently, if you use enough alpha and beta brain waves, you can pretty much do whatever you want. So, she saves them, and then they have this great plan to steal a helicopter, then Alice goes down inside the North American Rainbow hive.

Then shit gets kind of crazy. You see, the main scientist gets infected while trying to recapture Alice. Then he shoots himself full of like a gallon of anti-virus, which turns him into this crazy-mutated thing. He can shoot…well you just have to see. So, they duke it out, of course Alice wins.

Concurrently (word of the day), we see that all along they’ve been cloning Alice, trying to make the “perfect human.” So, Alice wakes up all of her sisters (?) and they go to Japan to kill all of them.

That’s pretty much the just of it. It didn’t seem like a whole lot happened during the movie. The scenes from Vegas were pretty sweet, but entirely not realistic (I WAS JUST THERE BITCHEZ!). They only included like 5 or 6 buildings which you could see the tops of. The entire strip is skyscrapers, you would have been able to see like the tops of 20 buildings. Plus there was huge buildings off of the strip, where were those?

Also, there is a scene were Umbrella puts a shipping container in the way of the convoy. It’s your normal sized, probably half the size of a semi-truck trailer, container. All of a sudden, like fucking 5,000 zombies come running out. Well, actually it only shows like 15 coming out, but they kill no less than the entire population of L.A….I was just at a loss.

That aside, the action was top notch as usual. Hot chicks beating ass and killing zombies is always a plus. However, do not expect to see a well thought, developed plot line. Much of this movie leads the reader to determine his own thoughts on the background, and the future of Umbrella. By the end of the movie, Alice knows that the cure to the T-virus lies in her blood.

To be honest, even though this was supposed to be the last movie, there almost needs to be another. Resident Evil: New Beginnings. I’m sure the people in charge of their artistic freedom don’t want to “ruin” the trilogy with a forced final installment. However, you can bet that after an opening weekend of over $23 million, there will be a final chapter to the story.

Anyways, this is NOT a much see. I would recommend this to anyone who has some free time, and hasn’t watched any of the other fantastic movies that are out right now.

Show Some Pride In Your Ride

Today’s entry comes from my place of work. I was greeted by this….well you decide.

Oh yea, this is a Dodge Neon, painted to completely resemble Rusty Wallace’s NASCAR..car.

I mean, fucking speechless. It turns out that as I was taking the picture, the owner was smoking a cigarette, like 30 feet away…oops.

Movie Review – “I Am Legend” (2007)

Starring: Will Smith (of course)
Runtime: 89 minutes

Overall: A-

If you’ve been in a hole for the last few months, I Am Legend was basically our Christmas blockbuster. It is the third (I believe) book based on a very old Richard Matheson book (1970..ish). The original, Omega Man, starring the Charlton Heston.

The premise is slightly different from the original (which is in my Netflix Q). In this edition, a doctor cures cancer. She does so basically by modifying existing viruses. Sho nuff, the virus turns, becomes airborne and infects the world.

In short time, 90% of the people die from it, 9% becomes zombies, and the remaining 1% basically get eaten. Robert Neville (Smith) is a military doctor who seemingly is in charge of containing the virus.

Most of the movie takes place 3 years after the outbreak, with Neville being completely isolated with his dog.

Like most agree, the scenes of deserted New York are fantastic; however, the CGI on the animals/people comes up short. However, this is not a movie that needs world class CGI to make it work.

Smith plays this role brilliantly. One thinks to Castaway, you know, the shitty Tom Hanks movie. This is castaway with zombies and some content. Being stranded on a desert island is easy. You don’t have much choice of what to do; survival is hard enough. Food and water take up most of your day, with little free time.

However, think what you would do if you had everything on a deserted island. Anything you wanted was yours. To get some real life interaction, Neville plays back taped morning shows, and even places mannequins in specific spots, for him to interact with. We see regimented days, with much time in his basement lab, trying to find a cure.

For the most part, his life works. He golfs off of an aircraft carrier, rides around in new cars, and has enough supplies to outlive him. However, for his experiments, he needs live infected people. During one of his attempts, his dog is bitten by an infected dog. Of course his dog gets infected, and he needs to kill him.

To this point, the dog was the only form of live interaction that he had. He basically has a mental break-down.

Without revealing the rest of the movie, let me just say that the movie is definitely a must watch. Smith’s performance is unbelivable. On top of that, there is good action; shit it’s a zombie movie.

I gave this movie an A- because I realized that for some reason I gave Transformers an A- as well. “I Am Legend” is definitely better than Transformers, but is not an A (hard to get in my book). In hindsight, Transformers should be B+, no higher. Anyways, watch this flick. The official runtime is 101 minutes, but the movie only lasts 89 minutes. It’s good, short, to the point.

edit:

I just seen that many of the online reviews are bad. Many of them state bad CGI and the book for some reason. Yes, the CGI, turns out, makes the zombies look bland. Boo hoo. One guy asked why the movie was so long…the movie, including the producers intro bullshit, was less than 90 minutes. It may not be as deep as the Godfather, and the CGI is definitely not Transformers worthy, but the movie is good.