Quick Thoughts

So, sadly, I’m sitting here on a Friday night drinking by myself watching movies (currently Max Payne). Anyways, I have a few thoughts.

• Ludacris is a HORRIBLE actor. What’s with the fag-stache dude?
• Elijah Craig Kentucky Bourbon is one of the most unbelievable bargains exist; ever. Fantastic.
• Apocolypto still might be the best movie I’ve ever seen.
• My balls….are enormous. Hi mom.

By the way mom, hope you like my Obama cartoon you crazy liberal bastard.

p.s. Max Payne…not a great movei. It’s a very predicatable action flick and marginal acting that only suceedes because of decent action and a pretty sweet sound track.

Fuck You Al Gore

that is all

Twilight (2008) – Movie Synopsis

Here is the movie summed up in 5 seconds. I’ll save you the time.

Celebration of Earth Day

“I have been celebrating earth day for months by releasing obscene amounts of methane gas into the atmosphere.  Although as my concern for the environment drops every day i am starting to contemplate starting to not only produce methane but also burn it.  I am envisioning something similar to the attached picture but more horizontal and being located not far behind me.   I think that is the real problem with the environment…if we got rid of Taco Bell I could see a 50% drop in methane production.  If i had more time and/or actually cared i would investigate further.  Unfortunately I will have to assume that my contributions to the destruction of the ozone will be enough and just be content with that.”

-Jamone

farts

Better Way To Get To Work

Why not nap on your way to work. Have your dog drive.

Our Savior

The Great Vomit Story of Memorial Day

…or maybe it was Labor Day, I always confuse the two, but I digress. The day was Memorial Day (it was the beginning of summer one), the year: 2005. I lived in a quaint little house on Perth Avenue in what is known at the University of Toledo as “behind engineering”. It’s that side of campus that isn’t the ritzy Ottawa Hills, but is still two blocks away from the hood.

We decided to throw a party and most of the room mates brought in all the friends from out of town. The problem is that I was the regional champion at bonging a beer. People would regularly come in from out of town to challenge me, only to walk away in defeat.

So the beer bong is out in full force, and I’m taking on all contenders…and again….and again. In fact, I’m taking people’s money I’m winning ‘dis shit to much (money which goes to of course buy more beer).

Anyways, at this point I’m struggling to stand, so decide it’s a good idea to leave with some friends and go to a party down the street. So of course I get lost. What’s worse is that I’m lost on the street that I live, less than 200yd away from my own house.

So, I stumble into a random house that I ‘think’ is where I’m supposed to be. Ha. Wrong house. Oh well, that couch looks comfy. So I sit down and just chill for a minute when some people (thank God they were college students find me and ask what the fuck I’m doing). I say that I’m lost and

Jjj…us..juss…..sts triiiii…twenntione….twoenty perth.

After these kind gentlemen assist me in finding my way further down the road I get back to twenntione….twoenty perth, my house. I stumble in clearly in a condition that could only be described as holy-shit how are you still walking drunk. Who needs to walk when you can drive? That’s my typical philosophy. So, I ask the keeper of my keys for the keys so I can get something to eat (or who knows). That dumb bitch gave me my keys. Stephanie, if you’re reading this, you’re a fucking idiot.

So, I’m walking out to my car, and here’s where things get funny. My room mate Mike had a friend in from out of town that drove a black Ford Probe. OMG dudorz, I drove a black Ford Probe. Here’s an artist’s rendition of what the two cars could have looked like next to each other.

Yea, notice that while they are both black Ford Probes, they really don’t look ‘that’ alike…but they might to someone in my condition. So I stumble up to Jake’s car, put my key in, turn, and open the door. I would later find out that his locks are all jacked up and was unable to lock the doors.

I put the key the ignition, and the next thing I knew…

there was a knock at the window. It was morning and Jake had to go home. I looked around, only to see that I had puked EVERYWHERE in this dude’s car. I mean, it’s in between the consoles, dashboard, windshield, EVERYWHERE! Jake was, needless to say, a little upset.

So, I went inside to change my shirt and came back out to see Jake Q-tipping vomit from all the cracks and crevises. It was actually quite humerous. If you can image how much I drank that night, then you might be able to imagine the amount of vomit in this dude’s car.

So, as anticlimtic as it is, I went back inside and sletp until 8pm.

Room mate Chronicles – Part V

In the final installment of room mate chronicles, we’ll go from escalation hilarious acts to the semester’s end. So, to recap the previous part, my room mate Chaz was sneaking into my room to use my shampoo/soap. When I started hiding these cleaning essentials, we ending up with a 400lb wet dog. Aside from this, Chaz started thinking he would sell weed out of the apartment. Take a marginally retarded pothead, have him buy a few ounces of weed, and see what happens. If you think profit, you are completely wrong.

Anyways, so to set up these “buys” (read: weed smoking sessions), ‘dis nigga was on the phone 24/7. What to do? Well, an untechnical major is just going to break the phone. While this is a temporary fix, he’s going to get another phone. Now an engineering major is going to take the phone apart, and re-wire that mother fucker.

So, the other room mate and I cracked the phone open, not sure what exactly we would do. Then it hit us. Let’s make the 4 a 6, and make the 6 a 4. Then maybe we just unplug the 0. So, then Chaz dials (419) 555-1234, he’s actually dialing (619) 555-1236. So, you can imagine the hilarity that ensues when instead of calling Toledo, he calls San Diego, talking about weed.

This was funny for a while, but eventually people would still get through calling him. Hmmm, what to do now. So, we take the phone apart again, and this time simply unplug the mouthpiece. So, what happens is something like this:

Hello

Hey Chaz, what up homie.

Nuttin man, just chillin’, you know.

Chaz, you there man?

Yea man, what up?

Chaz, yo nigga, you there?

NIGGA, I’M RIGHT HERE!

Fine, gimme a call, one.

What the fuck man. Hey Mike, I think my phone’s broken or some shit.

Quite possibly the best part was that he never got a new phone, and for the most part, never wised up to the fact that his phone was fucked with.

Well, I think that will just about cover it; there was some hilarious instances regarding a George Foreman grill and another involving orange drink, but some things are best left alone. So, we hope you enjoyed some room mate chronicles, if you have any of your own, post them in the comments.

p.s. God damn a nigga can put down some hot sauce.

RETARDED

http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-238168
http://www.r-word.org

Yea, I said it. That word that gets everyone’s panties bunchy.

The thing is that the word is not “bad”. I quote:

relatively slow in mental or emotional or physical development

What the fuck man? Seriously, it describes a mental condition. At what point did accurate representations become politically incorrect? I’m not retarded, I’m mentally challenged. At what point will the phrase “mentally challenged” become offensive?

I’m not fat, I have an overactive appitite coupled with a lack of excersise desire.

It’s fucking rediculous, but not as rediculous as the apparent 29,000 people who signed a petition vowing never to use the word RETARDED again. Hopefully none of whom are mechanics that need to describe cam timing, which can be advanced, or RETARDED.

Hey DeLonte, what’s cracking?

Nuttin’ homie.

Hey dog, herd you got sickle cell anemia.

Nigga what’d you say about me?

I ‘erd you have the disease ’sickle-cell anemia’

Man, you can’t just go around saying the “medical” name for the condition I have. That’s wrong. What I really have is “red-blood cell shape irregularities due to a hemoglobin cell mutation”. Nigga, I thought you was my friend.

You may notice my blatant capitalization of the word RETARDED. That’s because for each of the 29,000 people who vowed not to use the word, I’m going to use it weekly. That’s a little over 4,100 times daily. Maybe you can sign my petition vowing to use the word RETARDED so it takes a little burden off of myself.

Anyways, without further ado (this will get me started):

retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded; retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; retarded;retarded; 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