Dick in a Box – I Mean Poop in a Cup

OK, so we all know that I was out of the country, and we also know that I got sick. In fact, I’m still sick – two weeks later. So, after going to the doctor I was informed that I was to give a stool sample. What a joy. I finished this process earlier today – much to the dismay of not getting any pictures – and I will tell you all about it.

First you will put a “hat” in your toilet. This is a plastic tub that sits in your toilet that you get to poop in. So you sit down and poop into the tub.

Now, let me just say that modern plumbing was founded upon the fact that shit smells. Look it up, seriously. So, you have a poop-filled plastic tub which you now have to remove and set aside so you can wipe your ass.

At this point the stench starts to become unbearable. Remember that these aren’t normal dueces; you’re sick so these are special. At this point you get open your first (of three) vials and luckily you’re greeted with a surprise. The screw on top has an attached spoon to assist with your scooping.

It’s like you have a Baskin-Robbins sample spoon going to town on a tube of chocolate-chip cookie dough.

A couple little pieces into each vial and you’re half way there. You then open the large cup and make your deposit into that one (significantly larger). At this point you close all of your cups and seal them in your biohazard-marked baggie.

This is where the crying starts. You feel so dirty after what just happened you just start washing stuff. The sink, the floors, your hands, over and over again. But it doesn’t leave, you know that you haven’t gotten all the poo from your bathroom.

*sigh*

So in a few days I’ll find out if I have parasites.